So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
