If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
