Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Come see our sink grown plant.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
