Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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