I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Drunk is not a location!
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