that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
