you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
