My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
