I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
