If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
