you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
