She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
