i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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