my room smells like sperm. sweet.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
