I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
