There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
