Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
