Umm I'm too high to move.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
