Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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