She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
