you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
