I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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