wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
