my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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