3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
