Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
