Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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