I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
