i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
