My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
