Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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