the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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