sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
