my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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