Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
