I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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