My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
