why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
