Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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