This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
