I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
