Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
