We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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