Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
