Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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