my mouth tastes like poor choices
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
