I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
