He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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