good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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