Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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