i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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