Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Randomize
